Matthew McConaughey and Elaine Stritch Host a Morning Radio Show
Matthew: All right, all right, all right… We’re on the air, we’re riding the radio waves, y’all. Welcome to your Monday – wait, no, sorry, Thursday morning. Time, she is a circle. Anyhoodle, this is the Big Matt M! I got my lady beside me –
Elaine: I’m not your lady!
Matthew: Sure, no.
Elaine: Doll, I could be your grandmother!
Matthew: Cool. So, Elaine –
Elaine: COLONEL STRITCH, please. How much are they paying me for this gig? (She addresses the show producer through the window). Scott! How much am I getting paid?
(Scott gestures for them to keep going.)
Matthew: Now, first off, I want to go ahead and play some Skynyrd. And I’m gonna lean on into this mic and ask everyone – sincerely ask everyone — to go ahead and pull on over to the side of the road, and just listen. With your heart, you know?
Elaine: Oh, for God’s sake, Matthew.
Matthew: Open your heart, open your mind, open –
Elaine: Let’s play some Cole Porter.
Matthew: Lady S, you know I’d do anything for you –
Elaine: Great, play “Begin the Beguine.”
Matthew: Let’s dedicate this one to God, the big guy in the sky, who looks down on all of us and says –
Elaine: I’ve got to get these pants off.
(Scott is desperately gesturing at the clock.)
Matthew: Now the weather. ‘Cause we do weather on the 1s. Or maybe the 2s. Math, she ain’t my mistress. Anyway…
Elaine: It’s hot! Too hot for pants!
(Elaine removes her pants. She is wearing a leotard underneath.)
Matthew: You’re right, my lady S. I’m gonna take my pants off too.
(Matthew also removes his pants. He is wearing boxers. Scott buries his head in his hands.)
Elaine: Better, isn’t it?
Matthew: Whoa. Everything’s free bird now. You’re right. So much better.
Elaine: Told ya! Want me to do the news?
Matthew: You go ahead, Lady S. News on the 9s, or something…
Elaine: Nothing’s happening, that’s the news. Nothing you want to hear about.
Matthew: Whoa. Righteous. We need a little CCR, make people feel all right again…
Elaine: Wait, is that dead air? I can fill that! Here we go, 2, 3, 4! (She sings) “Here’s to the ladies who lunch –“
Matthew: Lady S., you are a gas!
Elaine: Don’t interrupt! (She sings) “Aren’t they the best?”
(Scott is desperately waving at them through the window.)
Matthew: Oh, I see Scott waving at us. Hey, dude-io! Oh, he says it’s time for the stock market update.
Elaine: Stocks on the 3s! I never miss a cue!
Matthew: He says it’s 7:07. We’re way off schedule.
Elaine: I can vamp!
Matthew: So, anyway, the stocks, they’re up or they’re down. Whatever, man. You won’t find your peace on Wall Street. Look up. Look up.
(Elaine gestures at the console.)
Elaine: That red light is blinking!
Matthew: Lady S, that’s the traffic report. Let’s go to my angel girl lady Michelle with the traffic.
Elaine: No! I don’t share the stage with other females!
Matthew: Michelle’s cool, though. Got a helicopter.
Elaine: No! Here’s the traffic! Leave 15 minutes early and you won’t care! That’s always the traffic! Dance with me, Matthew.
Matthew: You don’t wanna sing? I can play the bongos again, like yesterday. We burned it up with “The Joker.”
Elaine: No! Dance with me! Dance is the perfect medium for radio!
Matthew: All right, Lady S. You got it. Want any music?
Elaine: No. And close the blinds so we can’t see Scott yelling.
Matthew: All right, all right, all right…
(He does. In the silence of the radio static, the pants-less Matthew McConaughey and Elaine Stritch waltz to the beautiful rhythm only they hear.)