When you approach the polls, a worker asks “Are you a registered Democrat or a registered loser?”
Your offered your choice of a free DVD before voting: Election or Triumph of the Will.
All the voting machines have “TRUMP CORPORATION” in shiny, gold letters stamped on the back.
As you wait in line, you hear two poll workers having a long, whispered debate about whether you watch Black-ish or not.
There’s a bake sale, but brownies are “25 cents for Nice People, $50 for Deplorables.”
A Johnson pamphleteer outside keeps elbowing you and offering a “free flu shot” if you stop by the white van parked around the corner.
You have to take a BuzzFeed quiz about How Well You Know Gone with the Wind before your voting booth is assigned.
There’s a water fountain at your precinct that’s labeled “Orange People Only.”
The choices on your ballot are “Clinton” or “Seriously?”
You’re invited to raise a glass of “good, clear, American water” to “these great United States” and then you wake up 24 hours later on the berm of the highway that runs out of your town.
After you select your candidates on electronic ballot, the Microsoft Windows paperclip keeps popping up to ask if you need help fixing your mistake.
A poll worker asks if you’d mind letting his recently adopted 8-year-old daughter pull the levers for you, since it would “be a big thrill for little Anastasia, who misses Moscow.”
Before you’re allowed to vote, you’re asked to name all the state capitals, then the names of the current governors serving in those capitals, and then the titles of Chris Christie’s favorite Springsteen songs in ascending order.
When you give the poll worker your name, she loudly says, “Well, that sounds like the name of someone who won’t condemn our country to almost certain nuclear annihilation because she once enjoyed a TV show!”
There’s a diorama of a pack of foxes attacking a donkey on display at your precinct.
Before you head into the booth, a poll worker insists on blindfolding you, “to make it more fun!”
The ballot contains a blank for you to write in your favorite conspiracy theory.
Just before you step into the booth, you hear a poll worker shout, “CODE PANTSUIT IS GO!”
Your voting receipt is actually a Two Nights for the Price of One at a Trump hotel coupon.