How to Talk to Your Children About Post-Apocalyptic Cannibalism
Q: Honestly, I can’t believe it’s come to this. Where in God’s name should I begin in talking to my kids?
A: Frame the cannibalism as a gift that the dead person is giving to you. Say, “Look, President Trump said that we were all horrible, stupid people, and that is why he was going to push the button. But here someone has offered themselves to feed us. That is a very nice thing to do! So not everyone can be horrible and stupid!”
Q: What if my child is too young to understand that we’re eating a person’s foot? Do I need to tell them?
A: Absolutely not. You can keep it on terms they understand. “It’s exciting to try new foods!” works well.
Q: My child saw the Apocalypse unfold on cable news, so they have some idea ...
A: Hold up. You let your kid watch cable news?
Q: Well, sometimes. Since all the other channels were shuttered by the Vice President for being “lurid” and making him “uncomfortable.”
A: Ah. So, you’re a terrible parent. What was your question?
Q: Just basically, if they know were eating someone we know, should I tell my kids a little about that person?
A: If you’re sure your child is aware that you’re committing cannibalism, it’s appropriate to say a few, carefully chosen words about the person you’re eating. “Yes, this is Daddy’s secretary, Tracy. She decided to give her body to us to eat because, as she said, she ‘could not take the constant harassment of living in Trump’s America as a black woman anymore.’ She also liked to crochet.”
Q: Is there some kind of ceremony we could do, over the meal, just to thank the spirit of the person who sacrificed themselves so that we could eat?
A: Probably. But, you know, things are pretty dire around here. Do you really have time for this sort of thing?
Q: Maybe we’ll just say grace.
A: Whatever, fine.
Q: If we don’t finish eating the person before we have to move on to our next encampment to avoid detection from the KGB drones, should we make a point of burying the person we half-ate?
Q: Well, yeah, I’d really like to keep this from upsetting Cody.
A: That’s probably not possible. Cody’s entire country exploded, then burned around him.
Q: What if while we’re eating, my child asks me about the role I played in causing the Apocalypse? Do I have to tell them that I voted for Jill Stein?
A: You shouldn’t tell anyone that. That’s grounds for immediate extermination by rebel LGBTQ groups.
Q: Oh! I didn't know that, and I was totally kidding. What if, say, my spouse voted for President Trump? How do we tell our children that?
A: It depends on your child’s age. If they are very young, you can say, “We found the pantsuited lady’s voice very screechy and it hurted our ears!” If they are older, you might say, “Before she jumped into that volcano as a ritual sacrifice to Cthulhu, Trump’s daughter seemed like a very poised, sane young woman.”
Q: What if my child says, “I don’t want to eat other people! I want to flee to Mr. Biden’s island compound and live in peace and harmony with the Obamas, Mr. Gore and Katy Perry!”
A: That seems pretty logical to us. Maybe you should do that, if you can.
Q: But President Trump tweeted that he’ll bring back coal! And that if things don’t get better, he’ll let us eat the Attorney General!
A: Yeah. Uh, we’re out.
Q: Wait! Before you go, can you advise what temperature is best for cooking human flesh?
A: If you have a meat thermometer, you should try to reach 165 degrees. If you don’t, it doesn’t really matter, because we live in a nuclear wasteland, and there’s a very limited food supply, and eventually we’re all going to have turn on each other, so maybe just do the best you can for as long as you can, and try to get your child to that compound so that the next generation can start again.
A: Uh-huh. You said 165 degrees, right?